I have been detoxing.. Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to heal a bit after you experience a hard situation(s). At the time not being traumatized, but afterwards feeling frightened and miserable. I bucked it up when I had to deal with Lucy being in the PICU Sep/Oct. Those emotions come out eventually and they did. December was awful, so many things that surfaced. Emotions that were dug from long ago came out. Is it weird sometimes to want to feel a bit like that? To remember that this wasn't my situation. That I once had a life that was easier. I don't like feeling that way, but I like to be reminded that it wasn't always so hard. I don't like the trigger of being reminded that though. Because it can be brought out by comments that can dig deep into my soul like a dagger.
Guess what? I'm actually a pretty fun person. I'm still the same person. Just taking care of a daughter that is a bit on the fragile side. I still like to go out and be a complete dork. It's who I am. And honestly I'm a bit over all of the heart break. I feel so bad for so many people suffering, but I'm over it. I mean this in a way as I can't let it drag me down. Because I could be dragged down everyday worrying about everyone. It's not healthy to live that way, you have to care. Just don't get obsessed with the hardships that surround you. I don't like the articles that always say how to act around a family with specials needs. If you don't know how to act, that's your problem not mine. I appreciate the articles, but to constantly be on the attack is what it comes across as. And I don't ever want to attack anyone. My list is small, act like you care and don't be around us when you are sick. That's it! I'm so easy to please. And if you want to be a dork with me make plans with me! I like to have fun like everyone else. And girls nights are a must, come on ladies you need them.
I'm feeling better this New Year, I'm taking better care of myself and that feels great. Sure I have worries.. But, I know that I have been blessed. My husband has worked so hard and landed some jobs to get us upgrades in the house that we needed. I believe in the darkest of times blessings are there. Like when we went to Disneyland and Lucy loved it. I met a Backstreet Boy and have pictures. In October when Lucy was in the PICU Imagine Dragons performed and donated money. They are an awesome band that gained some new fans. They just performed on SNL and rocked it by the way. We got to have an awesome trick or treat at the hospital and cleaned house! More treats and toys than Lucy and Dawson would ever get trick or treating in the neighborhood. Dawson came with me and I carried a basket for Lucy. That was so neat to be a part of! I gained some new friends and saw another friend that frequents a lot. Ronald McDonald house is so great! Rainbow kids provided me with a nice lunch. And have in the past as well! Even though it can be scary it's nice to see familiar faces. I know Lucy has been protected at least twice from illness since being home. I'm so beyond grateful for that! I'm blessed to have a perfect spirit in my home and a freakin adorable little boy. He is going to be a heartbreaker when he grows up. He seriously is so cute and is a good kid most of the time.
I love my family!
P.S. And the Pharma screen started! Thanks for all who helped!
