Vegas and other things

 I was given the opportunity to go see Celine Dion in Vegas with my friend and her sister and mother.  We had a great time chatting, watching a drunk guy at the bar that was embarrassing himself. He also resemble my Dentist which now I am worried it was my Dentist... And at the end of it all we went to see the concert.  It was very different from her other shows, it seemed sort of random.  And then Nudity was thrown in there, so not needed.  I think Celine is amazing, but that concert wasn't like the others.  I still had fun though, and am super glad I was able to have a mini getaway and be surrounded by a great family and watch my favorite singer perform.

  Right before the getaway Lucas went to Brazil for work.  He had a great time, and brought back lots of treats.  Luckily, I didn't think any of them were good so I haven't eaten much of it.  Lucas had a great group of guys from work he went with.  He thinks highly of them and I always hear great things about them. Glad he enjoyed his time while he was out there.
   Lucy is on new medication now along with her medicine from before.  She takes Topamax along with Phenobarbital.  She takes the Topamax twice a day and the Pheno once a day.  I put the Topamax on baby food for her to eat since it doesn't dissolve.  I am lucky to have her eat orally, that isn't usally the case with these little ones.  Any time I tell the specialists she doesn't really take a bottle too much, but she eats baby food they are surprised.  A lot of it based on the fact that she has problems seeing.  I guess it's hard for children to want to eat when they have a visual impairement.  We work constantly with her eyes to help her see. 
   Appointments have become too much for me, but I do it anyway because that is what Lucy needs. I frankly am sick of talking about what is wrong with Lucy with the specialists/ or with those I don't know.  I don't mind talking about it don't get me wrong, it's just when I get loads of questions constantly in a short period it takes a toll. And I wish so badly I could take a break from these appointments to ease the chit chat of what is wrong.  List of appointmenst are: 3 times a month eye specialist, Once a month Special Needs Specialist, Once a month Nurse,  Twice a month Physical Therapist, Twice a month Occupational Therapist, and at least once or maybe twice a month a visit to Primary's or somewhere else concerning Lucy. Luckily all of my Early Intervention/Eye services are at my home.  I feel overwhelmed at times, just trying to remember all the exercises I need to do is hard.  I try to remember them all, but sometimes I don't. 
   I am feeling the itch to go camping, luckily they have handy little fire pits to buy these days.  Lucas bought one over the weekend and I am eager to try it out.  It helps me feel like I am camping a little bit, even if I'm not. 
   I have days I feel so alone and depressed. Don't feel guilty, I just sometimes feel sad like we all do sometimes.  Lucas takes on a lot of projects to help us with money or mostly just out of the kindess of his heart for family or friends.  I admit the last couple of months he has been working a little more than I am used to or feel I can handle.  Hopefully he will take a break soon :(.
   Lastly, I would like to say to Julie Decoria how much you inspire me.  Julie was in the Jenny Phillips fireside group with me.  We traveled to New Zealand and Western Samoa one summer to perform and thats how we met each other.  Julie has a sweet little Daughter that is Dawson's age.  She has a Deletion of the 13th chromosome.  She writes a beautiful blog, which inspires me everytime I read it.  She knows what's I am going through and I feel her pain and she feels mine. It's nice to not feel alone in this.  Thank you Julie, Thank you.

What we are made of

    What are we made of?  Sometimes we don't really know until we are pushed into circumstances we never thought we would be in.  Reflection on past memories, Present, and the Future can bring insight on what we were, what we are, and who we may be years down the road.  I reflect a lot on past situations, how I reacted, and how I would react now.  We may mature through the years, but our core never changes.  We are that same person we were years ago, just grew up through the years.  I have grown up, pushed to grow up wether I wanted to or not.  I think as a Mother we forget we are more than that.  We still have an identity besides that, don't forget that much more makes up who you are than that just one thing. 
     I think as us women we forget that we need to find times to ourselves to remember who we are.  If I didn't go to the gym I would most likely be having lots of anxiety right now I will be honest.  Do I eat very healthy? No I don't, I should work on it but I haven't.  My coping mechanism with everything going on with Lucy is going to the gym and making/baking things off Pinterest.  Would I love to weigh less than I do? Of course I would!  I haven't gotten to that point mentally where I am strong enough to fill the void of crap food with something else.  I will eventually, but right now I still am working on how I feel with everything going on in my life. 
     All of us have rough periods in life.  Take a moment to reflect what those moments were or are. What did you did during that time to cope?  When I was 15 I had a bit of a rough time, and then when I was 17 I had an even harder time.  I don't think Highschool was a good experience for me it just wasn't.  I had much more of a better experience in Junior high, that may be weird but it was better. When I was about to start senior year my dog I had since I was 4 died, I had never felt so sad in my life.  And then I started Beauty School that summer and I was wondering if I could over come my shyness to do this.  I was learning that  Girls are Snobs, but I was having fun trying something new and I was getting out of my box.  During this learning time, a good friend of mine died unexpectedly in a car accident.  I felt guilt because we had a falling out and we had just talked a week or so before about being friends again.  I felt so sick to my stomache during that time, students were capitalizing off his death saying how they knew him and were friends with him. Like they wanted people to give them attention and feel sorry for them.  When I knew they werent.. I knew who he hung out with and those people didn't try and capitalize off of it.  I can't understand why people would do that.  I felt so depressed, I know a lot of people laid to rest at Kaysville Cemetery.  I hate going there, I absolutely hate it.  And I know some people feel better when they go, I feel horrible and I almost have an anxiety attack.  Too many sad situations have occurred, and I think about all of them when I just go in there.  I think of their families and how they are doing.  Bad things happen to good people.  I know life is a test, but it still is heart breaking and doesn't make sense to me why it happens. 
      One day I am going to have to face my anxiety with cemetaries.  I don't want to, but I am going to have to.  Most likely Lucas and I will outlive our little Lucy.  I will enjoy the years she is with us, and be grateful for them always. 
      Now, I would like to talk about something sort of personal, but I think woman would benefit from this.  I just took my last dose of Zoloft a few days ago.  I honestly have felt waves of emotion and I even weaned myself off of it.  It wasn't a good time to get off of it while my husband is away haha...  After I had Dawson I had Post Pardum.  I never took care of it, and I wish I had.  This time with Lucy it didn't hit until she came home.  I locked myself in the bathroom crying because I felt so overhwelmed.  My hormones were getting the best of me and I knew it.  This time I wasn't going to mess around with it and I saw my OB and he helped me out.  I think Post Pardum is a serious problem that woman ignore because they think that they are horrible if they take pills for it.  To those of you that are against Anti Depressents and Husbands I am talking to you too...  you don't know what you are talking about.  Some people do need help and Lucas knew I did.  A woman goes through soooo much when having a baby.  You may go from working full time at a job to working full time as a first time parent.  Or, you may be going back to work after you have the baby and it breaks you to be away from your child.  Some people need to be on Post Pardum medicine for a period of time or permanently and nothing is wrong with that.  I just want women to know not to be ashamed if they need help.  Sometimes all those B vitamins just won't cut it.  Having a baby is life changing, and you will feel guilty sometimes and wonder if you are doing a good job of being a Mom or not.  Don't beat yourself up about it. 
    Most the time I am a pretty positive person and I am glad I am.  I have to be right now or I would go crazy.  And some moments I do go crazy I am not going to lie.  Something that has bothered me lately is the statistic of women having a child with a chromosome abnormality past the age of 35.  You have to have a child before then or you will have a child with Down Syndrome or something like that...they say... whoever they are..  I think that claim is completely false.  From all the women I know that have a child with chromosome abnormalities only 1 was past the age of 40.  I agree that as a woman our eggs are numbered and that you shouldn't wait too long for that reason.  The longer you wait the more you are taking a risk in being able to bear children.  Not because of Chromsome abnormalities, I think that claim is bogus.  In the NICU I asked about it with the Nurses and they even told me that more babies they had seen with abnormalities was from a younger mother.
     It's a complete miracle to have a child it truly is, to have everything go right is a miracle.  And it didn't for me.  But, I have a sweet beautiful child that has the strongest spirit I have ever met.  Her physical body may not be made in perfect form right now, but her spirit is and what a beautiful spirit she does have.  God has a plan for us, and even though we may not understand it we will one day.  One day we will see our loved ones in perfect form, think of how wonderful that day will be.